ch-ch-ch-changes

i'm not sure if you're interested in reading this post or not, but all i know is that last december, i needed to read this.  so here's hoping it helps someone with a broken heart out there.

a year ago this weekend i began dating the guy who would hurt me more than anyone else ever has.  we met the first weekend of october 2009, introduced by a mutual friend {hi, k! i still love you!}.  he was everything i thought i wanted: older, southern, flirtatious, a resident at a prestigious hospital...good on paper guy.  he began aggressively pursuing me.  i resisted because, to be perfectly honest, i wasn't interested.  {note to self: that was a sign.} but he came to town again a few weekends later for k's halloween party.  and that weekend, i relented and we made plans to go on our first date the following weekend.

well that first date turned into two dates in the same weekend.  and those two dates turned into a two-month whirlwind clusterfuck.  the next weekend i was driving four hours to watch him run a half-marathon and spend the night with some friends of his from med school.  the next day was strolling hand-in-hand through streets talking about where we would want to go on a honeymoon {i wish i was making this up.} that was the weekend he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. 

he flew home to spend the week of thanksgiving with his family.  we talked every night that week for hours on end. he asked me to come home with him over new year's and meet his family.  i picked him up from the airport when he got home and we spent every minute of that weekend together.  the next weekend he told me he loved me and that he had thought about our future. the weekend after that he came to visit me for less than 24 hours in between shifts just so that he could attend a christmas party with me.

and the next weekend, everything changed.  we had big plans that weekend to exchange christmas gifts {which i agonized over picking out and spent a small fortune on} and go out for a fancy dinner.  he had gone on and on about how excited he was to give me my gift because he just knew i would love it.  i noticed he had been acting {sounding?} strangely on the phone that week, but i assumed it was because they were busy and short-staffed.  i arrived at his house that friday evening in the middle of a torrential snowstorm.  i got to his house before he did.  he came in, barely said hello, and told me he was going to take a shower and head out to play poker with some friends.  whoa. 

i asked him to come sit with me and tell me what was going on.  and he launched into a speech about how we were moving too fast {true enough, but he was the one speeding things along.  although i realize i wasn't doing anything to stop it.} and he was scared and not ready to be in a long-distance relationship {we lived about an hour apart} but that he was crazy head-over-heels for me.  he just didn't know how to make it work.  he said over and over that he didn't want to end things, but that he didn't know how we could continue.  he still wanted to exchange christmas gifts.  he was right...i loved my present.  i found out that he had made dinner reservations {the night before?!?} for that weekend at my favorite restaurant in town and had specially requested that the chef prepare my favorite menu item.

and then he left to go to his poker game.  i was a sobbing, shocked wreck.  i couldn't leave because there were 2 feet of snow on the ground.  so i was stuck there with him until monday.  the most agonizing 60 hours of my life.  snowed in a house with the guy who just unceremoniously dumped you.  because that's what he did.  i think deep down i knew that although he said he didn't want to end it, that he actually did.  i drove home that monday to spend christmas with my family, holding on to that last bit of hope that he would keep his word and call and think things over and find a way to make things work.  he didn't call until christmas eve.  we spoke briefly and he promised to call on christmas day.  which he did, but while i was having dinner with my family.  i called him back.  no answer.  i left a message. no response. for three days.

then i received an e-mail from him saying he had flown home for the new year's holiday {where i was obviously no longer welcome, despite the fact that i had purchased a plane ticket at his insistence} and was taking time to think about things and would call.  we spoke for a few minutes on new year's eve.  he said he still wasn't sure and that he would call when he got home.  and that is the last time i ever heard from him.  no closure. no explanation.  just silence.

i waited a week, determined that he would call.  until one day when i realized the phone wasn't going to ring.  i went to the post office and put his housekey in the mail to him.  and went to a bar with friend k to drink away my sorrows.

and that was the night i met my beau, the love of my life.  the man who loves me unconditionally.  even when i'm bratty and moody and whiny. who takes care of me when i'm sick and cleans up after my dog and cooks dinner for me and brags on me to his parents and friends.  who every single day i feel unbelievably blessed and grateful that he chose me.

having my heart broken is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.  you always hear that love finds you when you're not looking for it.  the only thing i was looking for when i walked in the bar that night was another tequila shot and a way to stop crying.  and love found me.

clash of the titans

photo courtesy of GOOP

soooo....did anyone else squeal in delight at today's issue of GOOP?  you know....the one where gwyinne and ina do brunch together?  it's like my ultimate gal pal fantasy come to life.  homemade ricotta, brunch, the hamptons, decorating tips from ina, fashion tips from gwynnie, cooking tips from both...le sigh.  perfection.

we love you, summer!

an apology offering

hello, lovelies.  i realize my blogging has been woefully inadequate over the past week or two.  my deepest apologies.  it has been a crazy stretch at work.  as a placeholder until i can actually organize my thoughts enough to create a coherent post/catch-up, please accept these darling boots:

yes, they are from wal*mart. yes, they are only 24 bucks. and they are gorgeous in person.  a girlfriend of mine was wearing them last night and i thought they were frye. i immediately ordered a pair. love.

a girl can dream

ugh, y'all, what a week!  all of the stress from last weekend's MAY-JUH {in my best posh spice voice} + attending my first-ever NFL game with the beau and his fam {go ravens!} = laryngitis.  oh yeah.  by sunday afternoon i couldn't swallow or speak.  oh yes, did i mention i got a stye too?  yep, nothing more attractive than a gal with a big pink swollen eye and a smoker's cough.  fortunately a trip to the doctor, a bottle of major pain pills, and a dozen warm compresses later, i'm feeling much better. 

unfortuntely, my house is not.  working non-stop last week/weekend {my usual house detox time} and then being sick this week means my house is disguting right now on SO many levels.  cluttered and icky and not pretty.  we're headed to UVA this weekend for homecomings {can't. freaking. WAIT. please see alice's posts here and here and here on why} which means no housecleaning will happen until monday after work at the earliest.  but my parents AND the beau's parents are in town next weekend {their first time meeting...yikes.} so i have got to have the house looking fab-freaking-tabulous.  can't have his mama thinking he's gone off and fallen in love with a tasteless slob.

while i'm up to my elbows in tilex and scrubbing bubbles and swiffer, please enjoy some pictures of what i wish my house looked like:

{cote de texas}

welcome! come on in.  admire the gorgie hydrangeas i grew all by my lonesome.

{the zhush}

have a seat at my marble-topped tulip table in one of my lovely bistro chairs.  continue to admire my green thumb when it comes to purple hydrangeas.

{no clue}

watch as i whip us up something fabulous, a la ina garten.  how bad can that be?

{one kings lane}

we'll retire to my tory burch store-inspired library for after-dinner drinks.

{victoria hagan}

and then relax and gossip in my something's gotta give-inspired living room. 

{the virve}

at the end of the evening, i'll kick-off my ysl heels and slip out of my chanel into some crisp brooks brothers pajamas in my TDF walk-in.

{southern living}

and slip into bed between my freshly laundered and pressed frette linens for a full 8 hours of sleep.

ahem.  and then i will wake up covered in dog hair in my target-dressed bed and shed a few tears. oh well...a girl can dream.

i'll have a butterscotch sundae, i guess.

i know this ad campaign has already been blogged about ad nauseum on some of my favorite sites  {here and here and here}, but i just had to throw my hat into the ring and declare my love. it's just so deliciously the royal tenenbaums meets j.crew fall 2005 {can we all take a moment of silence for the good ole days of j.crew? k thx.}  lord help me, i never thought there would be a day where i would be dreaming of a wood-panelled jeep wagoneer and a knee-high, stacked heel pair of my trusty l.l. bean boots, but alas, i was always told to never say never.

i must say, i'm partial to pooch-holding izzie for her fundraising job title, just like moi, and matriarch lea because she "intends to go out the way she came in - blonde".  gal after my own heart.

kiss, kiss, darlings!

brain dump

picture here

*my one true love {aside from the beau and hot dogs, natch} is oreos.  not just any oreos.  seasonal oreos.  i allow myself one package per special edition.  this works out particularly well at christmas when there are the original oreos with red creme filling AND the candy cane oreos {imagine an oreo + thin mint love child}.  spring brings brightly colored fillings {normally blue but this year was my second fave color, yellow!} and halloween brings orange creme filling.  i got my seasonal allotment this weekend and have been savoring the sublime pleasure of a fresh oreo dipped in milk. 

le sigh...glitter, feathers, and beads. what's not to love?!

*this weekend really got me in the mood for fall.  blue skies, temps in the low 70s, and nesting!  i baked the season's first patch of pumpkin chocolate chip squares for tonight's ladies night/DWTS viewing.  i made glitter pumpkins a la martha stewart and have a few more to spraypaint in metallic gold.  my mama bought me this amaze-balls wreath from pier one.  i could live in that store.  and i cooked up big batches of this and this...some for dinner this week and some in the freezer for later.  now all i need is a big pot of mums for the front porch...

can you guess which one is me?

*the beau and i went to an engagement party this weekend for one of my favorite couples.  delicious food, bartenders making old-fashioneds, my beautiful friends, and a historic home {stonewall jackson was married in front of the fireplace and robert e. lee lived there for four years!}.  what could be better? 

*as much as every bit of good taste in my body wants to hate k$sha, i can't help it.  i like her songs.  they are so awesomely bad.  the girl is a glitter freak and "sings" a good motivational treadmill song like nobody's business.  who am i to deny the power of a catchy tune?  feel free to judge me.  i'm judging myself.

*speaking of treadmill, i fell off the fit train last week while travelling for work.  it pretty much took every ounce of energy i had to take off my make-up at the end of the day, so running didn't cut it.  back on board tonight.

*busy, busy week for me, so you may not hear from me for a few days. wish me luck!