i'm writing this in the interest of being completely honest and because i really need some space to vent. this is a total stream of consciousness so sorry if this makes ZERO sense.
i have a very self-destructive habit when it comes to romantic relationships: i can be come completely and irrationally paranoid very quickly and out of nowhere. not that a guy is cheating on me, but that he's going to realize that i'm not perfect, that i have annoying flaws, and get the hell out.
this weekend was the second time it happened with the boy. and each time he has handled it wonderfully but honestly, when i have my little freak-outs, i just become even more freaked out that he's going to think i'm a total nutjob and cut and run.
a lot of it stems from being a perfectionist. that's what this weekend was about. i made a mistake that honestly barely rates a blip on the radar. i was tired and being whiny about him being gone for so long. no, i shouldn't have done that. but i realized it was silly, apologized, he accepted. all's well that end's well. except i made a mountain out of a mole hill. and kept bringing it up. and apologizing and apologizing. and understandable annoying the sh*t out of him. this morning he finally said, we are OK. it's not a big deal. please don't mention it again.
the rest stems from some very hurtful past relationships. i have some trust issues i need to work on, but he has done nothing to make me not trust him. he is always 200% honest with me about what he is feeling, for better or for worse. why can't i accept what he says at face value?
ladies, i am head over heels in love with him. and i know he is in love with me too. he made a mistake a few weeks ago, apologized, and i was over it in 10 seconds because it doesn't matter. why do i have such a hard time accepting that he can do the same thing? i am positively terrified of messing this up. i know i am being ridiculous for worrying about silly things.
i don't know if any of you can tell me how to fix this. have any of you ever experienced something like this? i am determined to overcome this, i'm just not sure how.
le sigh. rough day.