09 July 2010

rough day.

i'm writing this in the interest of being completely honest and because i really need some space to vent.  this is a total stream of consciousness so sorry if this makes ZERO sense.

i have a very self-destructive habit when it comes to romantic relationships: i can be come completely and irrationally paranoid very quickly and out of nowhere.  not that a guy is cheating on me, but that he's going to realize that i'm not perfect, that i have annoying flaws, and get the hell out.

this weekend was the second time it happened with the boy.  and each time he has handled it wonderfully but honestly, when i have my little freak-outs, i just become even more freaked out that he's going to think i'm a total nutjob and cut and run.

a lot of it stems from being a perfectionist.  that's what this weekend was about.  i made a mistake that honestly barely rates a blip on the radar.  i was tired and being whiny about him being gone for so long.  no, i shouldn't have done that.  but i realized it was silly, apologized, he accepted.  all's well that end's well.  except i made a mountain out of a mole hill.  and kept bringing it up.  and apologizing and apologizing.  and understandable annoying the sh*t out of him.  this morning he finally said, we are OK.  it's not a big deal.  please don't mention it again.

the rest stems from some very hurtful past relationships.  i have some trust issues i need to work on, but he has done nothing to make me not trust him.  he is always 200% honest with me about what he is feeling, for better or for worse.  why can't i accept what he says at face value?

ladies, i am head over heels in love with him.  and i know he is in love with me too.  he made a mistake a few weeks ago, apologized, and i was over it in 10 seconds because it doesn't matter.  why do i have such a hard time accepting that he can do the same thing?  i am positively terrified of messing this up.  i know i am being ridiculous for worrying about silly things.

i don't know if any of you can tell me how to fix this.  have any of you ever experienced something like this?  i am determined to overcome this, i'm just not sure how.

le sigh.  rough day.


Anonymous said...

I don't have any advice for you about your actual fear of being left. I have always struggled with trust issues. As far as how to deal with it, just cut yourself some slack. You need to laugh it off that you made a big deal about it. Don't keep stressing. Get a sense of humor about your short comings. Yeah, you over react and think that your mess ups are world altering. If this guy didn't like a bit of the melodramatic, he wouldn't be dating you. Sometimes, being a little crazy is fun.

Black Labs and Lilly said...

I am guilty of the same kind of behavior. It stinks because its like you know what you are doing, but you just can't stop yourself from apologizing/questioning/over-reacting about it.

I've found the best way to keep from getting annoying in situations like this is to apologize once and then get off the phone, or leave his apartment, etc... Give yourself some space to process your feelings and calm yourself back down, call a friend, go for a walk, talk through your feelings, even if its just in your own head.

Then when you see/talk to the boy later if he says something like "are you OK, why'd you hang up/leave earlier" you can say "I'm good, I felt like I was getting a bit obnoxious earlier whining about you being away and I needed to clear my head."

Hope this helps!!

LuvRedandWhite said...

I'm sending you an e-mail, lovie, because I have multiple thoughts on this...and I didn't want to share it all over the internet. XOXO.

Perfectly Imperfect said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Perfectly Imperfect said...

girl, you've got to just relax. don't put so much pressure on yourself. he's with you because he loves you. everything about you. if you mess up, well apologize and move on. i promise you he does because he's a guy and that's what they do. the more you worry about it, the bigger of a deal the little things become and they will tear y'all apart. smile and breathe deep girl.

Anonymous said...

I have some pretty heavy baggage, and until recently, I have had the same fears you've had. When my husband and I were having our pre-marital counseling our minister flat out told him that marrying me was a calling unto itself and if he didn't feel like he was up to it, to say so now. What it has taken for me was patience. My husband patiently sat through my paranoia, my fear, my depressions, and my self-mutilations. He's still here. I occasionally fear he will leave me, but he continues to amaze me.
The bottom line: you are imperfect and we are meant to be with those who fit into the grooves of our imperfectness. It's not that we aren't suppose to grow and change, but the ones who truly love us know that there will always be edges and are there to help us with them, not leave us because of them.

Barefoot in the Park said...

it happens to us all. and when a relationship is right, its hard not to think of the past. i completely understand where you are coming from ... i did it to. and when i acted like a twit and was terrified i was going to "ruin it" he said he loved me, even when i was being annoying. i had that "ah-ha" moment. he loves me for me. all of me. i need to stop worrying about being perfect and just be the me he fell in love with, no looking back. it worked and we've been happily together for 4.5 years and are getting married in under 100 days! hope this helps to know you aren't alone!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

I have definitely felt this way before and have had trust issues also. The only thing I know to do is to stop yourself from bringing it back up repeatedly. I would just have to make a conscious decision not to do it every time I felt the urge to reassure myself that everything was okay by asking him about it. It's definitely not easy. If that makes any sense at all.

Jane said...

I've got no ideas for you because I have a similar problem ... but I just said a little prayer for you that you figure it out! :)

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

I wish I knew what to tell you. My daughter has a similar issue. She's so afraid that a boy isn't going to like her that she gets too clingy to fast and then she wonders why the boys back away.

Loft32 said...

I can relate and therefore, I can offer two suggestions:
1) Don't punish your current boy for something that others have done to hurt you. He is not one of your past relationship and he deserves a chance to prove himself to you before you pre-judge him or his reaction or the situation that MIGHT or might NOT occur. (by the way, this is the advise my husband gave me when we were dating)

2) If you love and respect yourself, then allow yourself to be happy and let the small stuff go. Obsessing over it won't change it, so why bother. Life's to short to ponder the what ifs...just let go and enjoy your life and enjoy being happy....with him.