ch-ch-ch-changes

i'm not sure if you're interested in reading this post or not, but all i know is that last december, i needed to read this.  so here's hoping it helps someone with a broken heart out there.

a year ago this weekend i began dating the guy who would hurt me more than anyone else ever has.  we met the first weekend of october 2009, introduced by a mutual friend {hi, k! i still love you!}.  he was everything i thought i wanted: older, southern, flirtatious, a resident at a prestigious hospital...good on paper guy.  he began aggressively pursuing me.  i resisted because, to be perfectly honest, i wasn't interested.  {note to self: that was a sign.} but he came to town again a few weekends later for k's halloween party.  and that weekend, i relented and we made plans to go on our first date the following weekend.

well that first date turned into two dates in the same weekend.  and those two dates turned into a two-month whirlwind clusterfuck.  the next weekend i was driving four hours to watch him run a half-marathon and spend the night with some friends of his from med school.  the next day was strolling hand-in-hand through streets talking about where we would want to go on a honeymoon {i wish i was making this up.} that was the weekend he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. 

he flew home to spend the week of thanksgiving with his family.  we talked every night that week for hours on end. he asked me to come home with him over new year's and meet his family.  i picked him up from the airport when he got home and we spent every minute of that weekend together.  the next weekend he told me he loved me and that he had thought about our future. the weekend after that he came to visit me for less than 24 hours in between shifts just so that he could attend a christmas party with me.

and the next weekend, everything changed.  we had big plans that weekend to exchange christmas gifts {which i agonized over picking out and spent a small fortune on} and go out for a fancy dinner.  he had gone on and on about how excited he was to give me my gift because he just knew i would love it.  i noticed he had been acting {sounding?} strangely on the phone that week, but i assumed it was because they were busy and short-staffed.  i arrived at his house that friday evening in the middle of a torrential snowstorm.  i got to his house before he did.  he came in, barely said hello, and told me he was going to take a shower and head out to play poker with some friends.  whoa. 

i asked him to come sit with me and tell me what was going on.  and he launched into a speech about how we were moving too fast {true enough, but he was the one speeding things along.  although i realize i wasn't doing anything to stop it.} and he was scared and not ready to be in a long-distance relationship {we lived about an hour apart} but that he was crazy head-over-heels for me.  he just didn't know how to make it work.  he said over and over that he didn't want to end things, but that he didn't know how we could continue.  he still wanted to exchange christmas gifts.  he was right...i loved my present.  i found out that he had made dinner reservations {the night before?!?} for that weekend at my favorite restaurant in town and had specially requested that the chef prepare my favorite menu item.

and then he left to go to his poker game.  i was a sobbing, shocked wreck.  i couldn't leave because there were 2 feet of snow on the ground.  so i was stuck there with him until monday.  the most agonizing 60 hours of my life.  snowed in a house with the guy who just unceremoniously dumped you.  because that's what he did.  i think deep down i knew that although he said he didn't want to end it, that he actually did.  i drove home that monday to spend christmas with my family, holding on to that last bit of hope that he would keep his word and call and think things over and find a way to make things work.  he didn't call until christmas eve.  we spoke briefly and he promised to call on christmas day.  which he did, but while i was having dinner with my family.  i called him back.  no answer.  i left a message. no response. for three days.

then i received an e-mail from him saying he had flown home for the new year's holiday {where i was obviously no longer welcome, despite the fact that i had purchased a plane ticket at his insistence} and was taking time to think about things and would call.  we spoke for a few minutes on new year's eve.  he said he still wasn't sure and that he would call when he got home.  and that is the last time i ever heard from him.  no closure. no explanation.  just silence.

i waited a week, determined that he would call.  until one day when i realized the phone wasn't going to ring.  i went to the post office and put his housekey in the mail to him.  and went to a bar with friend k to drink away my sorrows.

and that was the night i met my beau, the love of my life.  the man who loves me unconditionally.  even when i'm bratty and moody and whiny. who takes care of me when i'm sick and cleans up after my dog and cooks dinner for me and brags on me to his parents and friends.  who every single day i feel unbelievably blessed and grateful that he chose me.

having my heart broken is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.  you always hear that love finds you when you're not looking for it.  the only thing i was looking for when i walked in the bar that night was another tequila shot and a way to stop crying.  and love found me.