friday thoughts

i've been feeling quite nostalgic lately.  i think it has to do with all of the wedding stuff.  it's starting to sink in that this is all real.  that i have actually picked out my wedding dress and my bridesmaids' dress and picked out stationery and that it's not all pretend.  it's actually happening.  getting married seems like the final blow to youth.  don't get me wrong, i know we're both still very young and i don't mean "final blow" in a bad way.  i am beyond excited to start this next chapter of my life with the beau by my side.  but marriage is "oh wow, it's not just me anymore!"  it just seems so grown-up to me.  so for whatever the reason, i've been thinking a lot recently about what my 15-year old self would think of me now.

i am, by far, my toughest critic.  i've always been that way.  i didn't make straight A's because my parents told me to {although they appreciated it}, i made straight A's because A's were the best and i wouldn't accept anything less.  i refused to consider colleges that weren't ranked in the top 5 of something because, well, if it wasn't in the top 5, why would i go?  {i realize now this was totally flawed thinking, but hey, i was 17 and it all worked out OK.}  i just have unreasonably high expectations of myself.  so in some ways i think, eesh.  15-year old self would NOT be impressed.  i am not a crazy-successful corporate attorney living it up in the big city.  i do not have a closet filled with prada dresses and jimmy choos.  i do not have a perfectly decorated home or a designer dog to tote around in my designer bags.  i don't jet off on exotic vacations at the drop of a hat.  my life would be an epic FAIL according to my 15-year old self.

but the good news is that my 15-year old self had no earthly idea what i would want 10 years down the road.  and i have to think, if that 15-year old had been a little wordlier, she'd be pretty darn happy with where things stand today.  i have a fabulous job that allows me to travel and eat yummy dinners in cities all up and down the east coast and meet interesting people every day.  i live in the cutest little town where i can walk to the farmer's market, wine shop, and chic little restaurants and shops from my house.  i live in a great house with a big kitchen, hardwood floors, and lots of natural light.  it isn't much to look out right now {mainly because i cannot seem to get my butt in gear when it comes to decorating}, but it's home.  and my roommates? they're the best.  an adorable rescue mutt with a heart of gold who is constantly told by random strangers how handsome he is.  and a really hot guy who makes me laugh and treats me like a queen and doesn't care that i'm not perfect.  i get to marry him.

i hope my 15-year old self would be proud, but more importantly, my current self is proud.  because even on nights like last night when i prepare a delicious gourmet meal and then drop the beautiful salmon filet directly on the floor as soon as it comes out of the oven {FAIL}, i'm still doing pretty good.